dark hole

[spec4 e4]

On 10/14/2021 at 7:39 AM, manureman said:

 I’m not a lawyer but paid out a couple grand and talked to 4 law firms about my situation.

    I was told Missouri is a no fault state, meaning even adulterous relationships can’t be held against one or the other in a divorce. Missouri is also a marital property state meaning everything you’ve accumulated (after )getting married is split 50/50 , doesn’t matter who paid for it or who’s name it’s under , all assets and all debts It’s simple math half and half. That’s what all 4 told me about my situation, with no abuse, no spousal support, no minor children no Jerry Springer BS….

   Was told depending on how busy the courts are and how much we want to argue about the division of assets and debts that near 40 years of marriage could be undone in 60 to 90 days, or we can fight about absolutely everything and both end up broke. 
   That’s the reader’s digest version of what I’ve learned so far.

  I wish you well Rob , my hole is still mighty dark and my mind flip flops constantly on what to do or say, but it seems bad days are not quite as hard as they were and my mind is clearing up a little bit too. Hopefully we’ll both get back to a brighter place soon. 
        Jim

Thanks, that's what I have been slowly learning from divorced friends.  One, the wife wanted to fight and took two years.  My wife says she does not want a divorce, but the thing is if she is not off the truck as of May 31, 2022, I'll will be filing.  I hate driving, used to be fun but with these stupid people and the government, I can not stand it.  But that's a different story.    

Since she stop talking to them, our relationship has improved alot.  I even put Spyware on her phone during this bs, nothing since she broke it off.  She still says I was over thinking things.  But she has change back to the woman I used to love.  Maybe there is hope, but like always hope for the best and prepare for the worst.  

Best of luck.

Rob

[FC]

It's really hard, but eventually you will get past it.

[AzRednek]

On 10/14/2021 at 5:39 AM, manureman said:

 I’m not a lawyer but paid out a couple grand and talked to 4 law firms about my situation.

    I was told Missouri is a no fault state, meaning even adulterous relationships can’t be held against one or the other in a divorce. Missouri is also a marital property state meaning everything you’ve accumulated (after )getting married is split 50/50 , doesn’t matter who paid for it or who’s name it’s under , all assets and all debts It’s simple math half and half. That’s what all 4 told me about my situation, with no abuse, no spousal support, no minor children no Jerry Springer BS….

   Was told depending on how busy the courts are and how much we want to argue about the division of assets and debts that near 40 years of marriage could be undone in 60 to 90 days, or we can fight about absolutely everything and both end up broke. 
   That’s the reader’s digest version of what I’ve learned so far.

  I wish you well Rob , my hole is still mighty dark and my mind flip flops constantly on what to do or say, but it seems bad days are not quite as hard as they were and my mind is clearing up a little bit too. Hopefully we’ll both get back to a brighter place soon. 
        Jim

Mauserman, not speaking from experience but a close friend found out community property also means community debt. Within a few days of the split she bought and financed a new 4X4 pickup. It was some kind of over priced Ford Harley Davidson model. The only thing that saved his ass was his brother in law posing as her husband forged his signature. Her mistake was not keeping her mouth shut and it came back to him from her friend’s husband. I’m told in Arizona one needs to file something with the court. After the date of the filing any debts accrued will not be part of the community. It also prevents selling or using as collateral any jointly owned property. Please keep in mind it is a situation I was told about and it’s something to discuss with a lawyer if there’s a possibility she’s maxing out credit cards.

I remember the business of an adulterous relationship before Arizona became no fault. A friend of my mother that married into a wealthy family lost out on the big bucks she was demanding. That was back about 1968-69 and she was demanding $2500 a month alimony and keeping the house. Their huge house was unusual that it was in the city but zoned as horse property with city maintained riding trails. After he proved she was involved with two men she lucked out some. She got the alimony but for only one year and it was reduced 50% at six months. The house was sold with her only getting a small portion not 50% of the sale price. He got to keep some valuable art and antique china collection. Myself being a teenager I was thrilled she got to keep her car. A Chevy convertible with a factory stock 409 with dual quads. I only got to drive it once but had her daughter with me so I couldn’t really race it. I floored it kicking it into passing gear at about 35 MPH getting on the freeway when her daughter screamed slow down you’re as bad as Johnny (her brother) I’ll never forget the thrill I felt in my stomach with the incredible acceleration. 
 

Oops sorry for wandering off subject again!! The lawyer that handled my child custody battle told me about a situation his firm lost. She admitted to jumping ship, came out of the closet as a Lesbian and a private detective testified she was involved with weekend Las Vegas prostitution. Despite her being to what some might consider to be a low life especially in the mid 70’s she prevailed. She was a good mother and the kids were well taken care of. She had them enrolled in private school and paid 100% of the cost of tuition which exceeded his monthly child support payments. She had a nice home and was well set financially. The burden of proof was on him to reverse the original custody arrangement. He had to show the kids were neglected and her lifestyle was harming the children,  he couldn’t do it.

 

[manureman]

  Thanks Az I appreciate it. I’ve never been down this road and my mind is pretty clouded right now but I believe these bases to be covered. But I’m open to any and all advice I can get.

        Jim

[FC]

I cancelled every line of credit really fast. Son-in-law's ex cleaned out the bank on him. 

Emotionally, seems like divorce is harder on the man emotionally. It takes a long time to get past the pain and the failure.

Now that the girls are grown up, my ex and I get along just fine. She even apologized for misjudging me, at the wedding of our daughter.

[Dr.Hess]

If it goes there and you have any joint accounts, go to your bank and immediately close that account.  Go to a DIFFERENT bank and open a new account.  Under no circumstances open an account at the same bank.

[AzRednek]

4 hours ago, Dr.Hess said:

If it goes there and you have any joint accounts, go to your bank and immediately close that account.  Go to a DIFFERENT bank and open a new account.  Under no circumstances open an account at the same bank.

My brother made that mistake. Trying to be fair he withdrew half of their joint account and opened another checking account in his name only at the same bank branch. She with the advice of a bank employee friend. Deliberately over drew the joint account and the bank took it from my brother’s sole checking account to cover her overdraft. My brother got it back a few years later added to the 20,000+ he got from the sale of their house. 

[Dr.Hess]

I've seen it happen, also, Az.  I told my step son exactly what to do.  Like usual, he did it half-assed and opened an account at the same bank.  Same thing happened.

[manureman]

Thanks guys, we have separate personal checking and savings accounts in separate banks. We do have one joint savings account that the mortgage is automatically withdrawn from. 
   On advice from my lawyer I was told to not withdraw a cent of it. 
   And only deposit the exact amount the mortgage company withdrawals as I’ve always paid this . And that if Ms. X were to make a “withdrawal “ the courts would not look kindly on it being as records clearly indicate what this account has only been used for.

   It’s not enough to make or brake me, and I’m just pretty confident it’s sound advice considering the source. And I don’t mind the idea of bait so to speak at this point.

      Jim

[AzRednek]

Years ago a woman I was half assed shacking up with. Her son was going through a nasty divorce and moved back in with mom. Same thing that ruins a lot of marriages, she got hooked on drugs. She had a good job as a regional manager for a chain of convenience stores. She somehow figured out a way to print money orders and collected tens of thousands before it was discovered. Most of the fraud was after they split but before the divorce. After police got involved he was assured that with his cooperation he would not be financially responsible. He revealed everything he knew and her possible involvement with stolen jewelry. I was told when she was arrested cops found Heroin and Meth. The agreement didn’t work for him, the corporation went after him. They told his attorney the oral agreement was with the police and prosecutor not them. I split with the G/F shortly after hearing a lawsuit was or about to be filed. Last I heard from one of the former G/F’s employees. His attorney was trying to work out a settlement for 50% with him making monthly restitution payments. How it worked out for him I’m not sure. I was told he was still living with mom with his two kids and his X was in prison but she didn’t know for how long.

[karlunity]

Take the advice of the lawyer  he or she knows the rules   

karl

[AzRednek]

On 10/20/2021 at 11:50 AM, karlunity said:

Take the advice of the lawyer  he or she knows the rules   

karl

That’s what I used to tell everyone that confided with me when I was a union rep. I learned to listen and not say much when people spoke with me about personal problems. I went a step further telling them to avoid advice from friends and family. Seemed like there was always the injured partner that turned it into a war of revenge. 

[karlunity]

That does seem to be the way of it AZ

karl

[AzRednek]

I used to hear some real horror stories from women going through a divorce. Unfortunately many of the women’s lawyers told them they would get a no fault divorce but couldn’t get into the abuse or the reasons. In other words their lawyers didn’t want to spend the time listening as they vented. The women just needed to talk to somebody as several were an emotional mess. If they spilled their guts to USPS mgmt they would be referred to an alcohol and drug counselor leaving a mark in their records that could have affected their upward mobility. 

[spec4 e4]

update:  Mauserman was on the nail head.  No fault state, everything split equally.  Depend if she wants to fight or not, depend on the length of time for the divorce.  still on the fence.  I will talk to my wife and see how I want to go.  Things has gotten alot better since she ended the relationship with the other couple.  But still not happy,  but I will be thinking of see a someone for it.   I know why I'm not happy , so why go?  

 

Thanks all.

Rob

 

[spec4 e4]

Talked to her last night and she was very upset.  I lay out my case and the same bs came up.  I told her  to remember the stuff but why bring crap up that happen 25 years ago and the crap with the other couple was the issue.  I know with this concussion that I had from the accident play a huge part of me not being here in the marriage and things for awhile, which she holds against me. 

 

I just can not get over the fact that another man told me what my wife is and is not going to do.  Keep saying if you are not here, ill take care of her and if I wanted her, ill take her.   She took up for him left and right, plus made excuses as well.  She said I can flip a switch and walk away from anyone,  and she is right.  She thinks I should have patch things up with the other couple but I could not after the total disregard of common sense boundaries.  

 

I think our marriage is fixable  but she needs to let things go and move forward.  

Rob

[FC]

Is she honestly open to marriage counseling? My first wife said she was, but walked out when she was under the thumb.

[AzRednek]

I almost hate saying it. Rob if she’s making life miserable, why suffer through it. 

[spec4 e4]

On 10/29/2021 at 6:24 PM, AzRednek said:

I almost hate saying it. Rob if she’s making life miserable, why suffer through it. 

I'll give it a year, then we see.  I have told her that I want off that damn truck by Sept 1st and her off by May 31st.  

Sometimes the pain is worth it but there got to be a limit on how much is to much.  

Rob

Edited November 2, 2021 by spec4 e4
Spelling/grammer

[ken98k]

The damage has been done. Your marriage will never be the same as it was. Counseling will do nothing but prolong the pain.  Divorce her and move on with your life. 

[spec4 e4]

On 10/31/2021 at 1:49 PM, ken98k said:

The damage has been done. Your marriage will never be the same as it was. Counseling will do nothing but prolong the pain.  Divorce her and move on with your life. 

I don't think our marriage will ever be the same.  As for counseling, I think it's a joke.  It might work but I see more couples get divorced after it.  She is making more of a effort now since she knows I'm not bluffing.    We will see if things improve but this time next year. I want to be home every day and have a life outside of trucking.  

Maybe even get a office job.

 

Rob