Poop At Work

[FC]

We've all been there but don't like to admit it...

We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing

down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the *WORK

POOP* is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the

Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

 

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the

smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know

where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full

fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has

left your pants.

 

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.

Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,

leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a *FREQUENT FLYER*.

People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the

bathroom.

 

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a

stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you

release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you

are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,

pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable

for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

 

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun

pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this

should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the

bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

 

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits

the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the

bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you

have just stunk up the bath room.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment

if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that

the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY

FLUSH*.

 

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone

proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the

bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around

the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the

bathroom.(hehehe this is you!)

 

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can

least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite

sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the

bathroom.

 

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and

tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and

vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this

occurs, remain in the stall until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you

will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

 

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom

that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to

alert potential *TURDBURGLAR*. Very effective when used in conjunction with

a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.

 

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential *TURD

BURGLARS*that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the

stall is occupied. If you hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*, leave the bathroom

immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

 

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet

water. This is also an arrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming

on, create a diversion. See *CAMO-COUGH*.

 

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:

 

*The King Poop* = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It

doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so

hard.

* Bali Belly Poop* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

 

*Cement Block* =You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

 

*Cork Poop* = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How

do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

 

*The Bungee Poop* = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it

falls into the water.

 

*The Crippler* = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so

long your legs go numb from the waist down.

 

*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* = The kind of poop that hits you when you're

trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

 

*The Party Pooper* = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush

the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...

 

NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE

[karlunity]

aahhhh...ok.

 

I just don't "GO" at work.

 

Figure I would share that ...

 

karl

[FC]

Cubicle life must be rough!

[dirtyjim]

i remember the bathroom from the machine shop i worked in while i was in my early 20's, happy times.

we had a few tricks for the new guys. after stinking up the tiny one stall bathroom you find the nearest newguy & tell him there is a mouse jumping up & down in the bathroom trash can. they always run in to investigate the mouse, after a couple of minutes most of them figure out there is no mouse only an awful stench.

the bathroom door had a two inch gap under it that was right inline with your feet. a can of wd-40, a cigarette & 2" gap = flamming feet.

[FC]

That was pretty innovative!