You Know You've Been In Iraq Too Long If ....

[Reverend Recoil]

You Know You've Been In Iraq Too Long If ....

Generally:

You start to think "it’s not so bad here".

You say "this place sort of grows on you".

You say, "it feels cooler today" and find out that the temperature is 110.

You call your tent (trailer if you're lucky) "Home".

You get excited at the idea of "ICE".

You feel naked with out your body armor.

You feel naked AND helpless without three knives and a multi-tool.

You notice that an expert from every profession is in Iraq except lawyers.

Apaches excite you much more than Blackhawk's or Kiowa's.

What happens in Iraq, stays in Iraq and it sucks.

 

Armaments:

You don't jump when a door slams or someone drops something.

You aren't alarmed when every second person you see has a gun or two or three.

You kick the M-16 on the floor aside without a second thought when you sit down in the Dining Facility.

As an unarmed contractor you feel like a person of no caliber.

Knives are not officially armaments so you get the biggest one you can find.

A Glock 9MM on a lady's hip is considered sexy.

Mortars and rockets are "Okay" compared to vehicle bombs.

You can measure distances based on explosion sounds.

You fabricate Hillbilly armor by bolting scrap steel plate on the sides of your Hummer.

When a "Red Alert" sounds and you're leaving a DFAC, you would rather go back in and have more coffee instead of seeking shelter in a bunker.

You know the difference in sound between "Incoming " and "Outgoing".

Bullet tracers arcing across the night sky are so pretty.

 

Entertainment:

You get excited at the prospect of seeing the latest gun camera videos.

$5.oo for a pirated DVD is a little pricey....especially if there is only one movie on it.

You are disappointed if you can't find a new pirated movie a day after it is released in theatres stateside.

You are a Cool Hip-Cat for forming your own hillbilly jug band.

Sitting around with your coworkers talking about different ways of being killed is considered "Water Cooler Talk".

Golf in Iraq requires only one club, a sand wedge.

The bunkers in the golf course really are bunkers.

 

Convoys:

Bullet holes in the cab of your tractor is no longer alarming.

Tractor selections consist of "Up Armored or Not" not Volvo or Mercedes Benz.

Convoys consist of as many extra Hummers and large caliber weapons as the Convoy Commander can find.

The M2 50 cal. Browning machine gun is called the “Ghetto Blaster”.

Driving on the sidewalk is normal.

Playing “chicken” with donkey cart divers is normal.

Hit-and-Run fender benders are treated as mere warnings.

Hurling candy at Iraqi kids with a sling shot is a sport.

The speed limit in Iraq is whatever speed red-lines a Hummer’s engine.

You get upset that you don't get "C-130" Frequent Flyer Miles.

Your carry-on luggage includes a flack jacked, helmet, and a MRE.

Driving through the traffic circle of death has lost its thrill.

 

Hygiene:

You enjoy waiting 45 minutes for the toilets to refill.

It's ok to brush your teeth with the brown water that comes out of the faucets.

KBR buzz cuts begin to look stylish (Even on girls).

Flies don't even hang around the truck drivers.

A bath is taken with a bottle of water and a box of baby wipes.

Your first experience with an Arab squat toilet is something to write home about.

Having to take a show after Turkish truck drivers…..well, you just don’t want to know.

You have your own roll of toilet paper stashed in your tent/truck/back pack.

Sooner or later everybody gets a case of the Babylonian Two-Step.

A shower with water that is neither to cold to hot and contains no mosquitoes is a priceless unattainable luxury.

 

Surroundings:

"Texas Barriers" are something other than a device to keep Texans out.

"Jersey Barriers" are something other than a fence to keep Holsteins away from Jerseys.

You get excited with the presence of clouds in the sky.

You can’t sleep without the lulling sound of a diesel power generator.

The security guards are Ghurka or South African.

There is only one lawn mower in Iraq. It’s true. I saw it in Mosul.

 

Dining:

You look forward to Mohammad's Mango ice cream as the treat for the day.

Powdered eggs taste OK.

Arab cooks just don’t know what to do with grits.

You consider plastic ware the Place China.

You can distinguish inherent qualities of various plastic utensils.

The quality of the plastic utensils becomes a hot dinner topic.

Lettuce for your salad is a luxury.

You have become to believe that ham should be grey in color.

No matter what animal you are eating, it will be flavored with curry.

Going to another mess hall is an adventure.

MRE’s start tasting better and better.

Putting Thousand Islands Dressing on you hamburger bun instead of mayo/mustard/catsup is normal.

You automatically pick up two plastic forks whenever beef is on the menu.

You accept the fact that fajitas do not require tortillas.

Sliced hot dogs on a pizza served in a KBR DFAC is good eats.

You can not decide if you are going leave a brownie and some milk during a mortar attack.

 

Fashion:

You think desert combat boots look great with shorts.

Sand between your thong sandals actually feels good.

You can recognize 12 different camouflage patterns.

You've given up on shoe polish.

You have wound on an Arab head rag at least once.

T-shirts at the PX are: M, L, XL, XXL & KBR.

Condoleezza Rice is one hot babe.

 

Living Conditions:

You consider your self lucky if you have a trailer with its own private Western Flusher.

You are soothed by the sounds of helicopters flying six feet over your trailer all night long.

You get a big smile when you see your pressed clothes at the KBR laundry.

You get a bigger smile knowing they didn't lose your laundry.

You get the biggest smile when you get back someone else's laundry and now you have more underwear than before.

You think the bullet holes in the roof of your trailer is just another form of ventilation.

Garden gnomes and plastic pink flamingos from eBay appear in your trailer park.

You get upset because the post office won't ship your looted artifacts.

You haven't had water from anything other than a bottle for months on end.

You consider broken sandbags just a new beach expansion.

The idea of a double wide trailer is only for the very rich and powerful.

Forgetting you military ID makes you feel naked...but pants are optional.

"Only one rocket has hit the camp" is excellent news.

Cardboard boxes have become substantial pieces of furniture.

 

Communications:

Stars & Stripes seems to be a liberal newspaper.

It feels normal to have to run outside to make a cell phone call.

You start ordering pocket knives, cowboy shirts, and harmonicas over the Internet just to get stuff in the mail.

Rumors are spread about who received something mailed in a plain brown wrapper.

You call your coworkers as soon as new T-Shirt patterns arrive at the PX.

"Can you hear me" takes up 50% of your cellular telephone conversations.

Your conversations are sprinkled with "Roger that" and "Good copy".

 

 

[ShooterTom]

Thanks, Rev. For re-posting this. This time I saved it! Good stuff.

 

Tom