Hurricane Season In Houston

[roscoedoh]

To: ex-Houstonians, present Houstonians, and future Houstonians or

those who know a Houstonian:

 

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season, which starts June

1 and ends November 30. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and

see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of

Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

 

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

 

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Houston. If you're

new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to

prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.''

 

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple

three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

 

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at

least three days.

 

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

 

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

 

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this

sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Houston.

 

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

 

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane

insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long

as your home meets two basic requirements:

 

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

 

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Houston, or any other area

that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies

would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they

might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they

got into the insurance business in the first place.

 

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will

charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of

your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental

floss.

 

Since Hurricane Alicia, I have had an estimated 27 different

home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big

Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to

my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

 

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows,

all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.

There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

 

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them

yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make

them yourself, they will fall off.

 

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you

get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,

your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

 

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,

and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you

will have to sell your house to pay for them.

 

"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane

protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand

hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.

He lives in Nebraska.

 

"Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check

your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio

furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw

these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool,

you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds

will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

 

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an

evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a

low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Houston" you

live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is

to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead,

you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your

home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus,

you will not be lonely.

 

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of

supplies. Do not buy them now! Houston tradition requires that you

wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get

into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

 

23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the

power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

 

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the

bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)

 

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

 

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a

hurricane, but it looks cool.)

 

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask

anybody who went through Alicia; after the hurricane, there WILL be

irate alligators.)

 

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can

buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

 

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws

near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by

turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers

stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally

important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

 

Good luck and remember: It's great living in paradise! Those of you

who aren't here yet you should come. Really!

 

[fritz]

" watching TV reporters in rain slickers

stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally

important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean."

 

Oh I love that one. mrs fritz has observed these guys from the Weather Channel standing outside their hotel on South Padre Island , with their rain slickers on and feighning danger.

 

Hell, we recognized that hotel and the place where they stood---it was just outside of the bar at the hotel.

Been there, but not during a hurricane. I got better sense.

 

Maybe they should have, too. Makes one wonder about their job.

 

fritz