Chili Cook Off or Fritz do you make this stuff?

[Sailormilan2]

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured

by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

 

 

 

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

 

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

 

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -Holy ^@#^, what the hell is this stuff? You

could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..

 

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

 

Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

 

Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

 

Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.

 

Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting

!^$=-faced from all the beer.

 

CHILI # 4- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

 

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

 

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

 

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?

Sally the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-Lb woman is starting

to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!

Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

CHILI # 5- LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

 

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

 

Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

 

Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

 

CHILI # 6- VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

 

Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. balance of spices and peppers.

 

Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

 

Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I #=+# on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a

snow cone.

 

CHILI # 7- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

 

Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

 

Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in

through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 

CHILI # 8- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

 

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

 

Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to

really hot chili?

 

Judge # 3 - No Report

 

__________________________________________________

 

[Ghost Dog]

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili  cook-off. ]

 

That was absolutely hilarious!

 

Thank you, I needed to laugh that hard.

 

Jim

 

[fritz]

I don't cook the stuff myself, but had a friend that was called on to judge some once. He told me he was sorry he ever got snookered into it.

 

He already had a few beers in him, so I guess it was easy to enlist him. Needless to say, he had to have a few more beers during the judging.

 

LBJ loved his Texas Red, and always had some for the news media when they came to his Texas ranch. Don't know if it was the real hot stuff, though.

 

fritz

[Ghost Dog]

I don't cook the stuff myself, but had a friend that was called on to judge some once. He told me he was sorry he ever got snookered into it.

 

He already had a few beers in him, so I guess it was easy to enlist him. Needless  to say, he had to have a few more beers during the judging.

 

LBJ loved his Texas Red, and always had some for the news media when they came to his Texas ranch. Don't know if it was the real hot stuff, though.

fritz

 

I cook a pot every so often. It took me about 15 years to get it where I like it. It is a complex brew. I don't mind telling people that I don't believe in hot (pepper) dishes. I didn't grow up like that. I already found out that my mouth is too tender for real hot chili.

 

Thanks again, that was a heck of a funny story. I wish that I could see that skit on cable or in a movie.

 

Jim

[Emul8]

I like peppers, sweet, hot...you name it, I like them...well, except habaneros because I have this strange idea that I need the skin on my tongue.

 

But just because I enjoy the occasional pepper, doesn't mean that I want them in everything, or that I have to prove something to someone by munching them down like candy.

 

I like my peppers to be an enhancement to my food, not to dominate it. Many of my hard-core friends seem to think that they are better in my view because they will practically eat fresh peppers on their cornflakes, but I just find them amusing when they act like that...and until they can eat a habanero without screaming, they ain't poo!

 

I don't like my chili to be too heavily peppered either...I like the flavors of the meat and the spices. If someone is putting in a whole bushel of hot peppers just to weed out the wusses and milk-drinkers, I wouldn't have a thing to do with their chili...they are probably just trying to cover up something lacking in their composition anyway.

 

To be honest, I still like my chili to come from a can...as tacky as that may be. I don't ask anyone else to eat the stuff, but don't rip on me for my enjoyment of it!

[Horsefly]

Emul8,so much for you being a hard core vegetarian,and that's good news! If you like canned chili,and haven't tried it yet,get some of the Wolfbrand lean beef chili.I'm with you on peppers being to inhance and not cover up flavor.My favorite beer drinking snack is pepper poppers.Jalapinos stuffed with cheddar cheese,battered and deep fried.Jalapinos with a slit in the side just big enough to get out the seeds,stuffed with cheese,and bacon wrapped around it tight and held with toothpicks,cooked on the grill until the bacon is crisp,is gosh dang good.I'd eat some right now at 6am.Have a big day Emy. Jerry oh,how I wish we had spell check!!!!!

[Ghost Dog]

I like peppers, sweet, hot...you name it, I like them...well, except habaneros because I have this strange idea that I need the skin on my tongue.

 

But just because I enjoy the occasional pepper, doesn't mean that I want them in everything, or that I have to prove something to someone by munching them down like candy.

 

I like my peppers to be an enhancement to my food, not to dominate it.  Many of my hard-core friends seem to think that they are better in my view because they will practically eat fresh peppers on their cornflakes, but I just find them amusing when they act like that...and until they can eat a habanero without screaming, they ain't poo!

 

I don't like my chili to be too heavily peppered either...I like the flavors of the meat and the spices.  If someone is putting in a whole bushel of hot peppers just to weed out the wusses and milk-drinkers, I wouldn't have a thing to do with their chili...they are probably just trying to cover up something lacking in their composition anyway.

 

To be honest, I still like my chili to come from a can...as tacky as that may be.  I don't ask anyone else to eat the stuff, but don't rip on me for my enjoyment of it!

 

I agree wholeheartedly that in chili pepper should be one spice among the others. I also eat canned chili but I prefer homemade. What brands do you like the best? I have found some seem to taste better than others. I've had some that tasted like the metal of the can.

 

Jim

 

[Emul8]

Horsefly --

 

Nah, I gave up being a vegetarian after I won the bet with my sister! $300.00 to the winner, and we went a whole year...then, after I won she told me that she had lost the bet after 3 months, she just didn't inform me at the time! She's still sneaky that way! LOL!

 

Being from Oklahoma, I am very familiar with Wolf Brand chili...I grew up on the stuff. Once, when I went back to OK a few years ago, I brought 10 cans of it back in my luggage! My Dad never did care for Wolf Brand, but I never saw him turn down a hot dog slathered with it! Now that I think about it, in the past few trips to OK over the last couple of years, I have forgotten to pick up a few cans to bring back...and I have been driving back there...it's not like I couldn't pick up a case or 12! LOL! Obviously, they don't have Wolf Brand chili here in CA.

 

I used to make chili at home, but as the flavor distinction wasn't significant enough for me to develop a recipe or variation of my own, I found that the time versus reward ratio wasn't favoring me, so I learned to REALLY enjoy canned chili!

 

However, I don't eat much chili anymore...probably because I don't like the generically-bland tasting chili on the market nowadays. What I really used to like was the chili my Mother favored...I don't know what the brand was, but she used to get it frozen in these little trays. The stuff, when cooked was just LOADED with red grease.... It was probably taken off the market under the auspices of "truth in advertising" so that that particular chili would have to say "Heart Attack in a Tray"! But MAN, was that chili good on hot dogs!

 

I used to like chili with cheese in it, but I can't do that anymore. nor can I eat the jalapeños wrapped in bacon...though, I do REALLY like jalapeño poppers!

 

Ghost Dog --

 

I think I have run down the types of chili that I like...but your reference to chili that tastes like the metal of the can struck me as SO true in some cases...it's pretty awful that way, isn't it? What's your favorite recipe for homemade chili? If I could find a good, easy one, I would try it at home again...in the winter anyway...there's no way I am going to try it here in the desert right now! LOL!

[Ghost Dog]

Being from Oklahoma, I am very familiar with Wolf Brand chili...I grew up on the stuff.  Once, when I went back to OK a few years ago, I brought 10 cans of it back in my luggage!  My Dad never did care for Wolf Brand, but I never saw him turn down a hot dog slathered with it!  Now that I think about it, in the past few trips to OK over the last couple of years, I have forgotten to pick up a few cans to bring back...and I have been driving back there...it's not like I couldn't pick up a case or 12!  LOL!  Obviously, they don't have Wolf Brand chili here in CA.

 

http://www.wolfbrandchili.com/

 

They will ship it to you!

 

Jim

 

[Emul8]

Oooooo! Ghost Dog, you just became my very own personal hero!

 

I worship the keyboard you type at! LOL!

 

Thanks for the link, buddy...I will be checking that out ASAP!